Sometimes I think about just simply writing my thoughts in my journal and not bothering to put things here.
Then I realize that there may be someone else who also is in the same situation, and maybe my post will resonate with them and help. So, I will continue!
Abf and I have been on a break for the last 3 weeks. During that time I have seen him, we've hung out at his house and had some awesome cuddle time.
And, I have come to really understand he is the most confusing man on the planet. (if that's possible!)
His ambivalence about me is enough to drive me to drink. One minute he is all loving and kissy and affectionate towards me. The next, he's flirting with other women. Then he's back to telling me that I know how he feels about me. Then, a new acquaintance asks him out for a drink and he agrees to go. But, then it's back to seeing me and needing me.
Holy crap!
This break really should have been one of total NC because it is royally confusing to me.
The other night he sends me a text saying that he needs love. And that IMLN and love were one in the same. And, that he wanted to give his love to me. He was in a melancholy place that night.
I thought maybe he'd gotten his heart straight.
Next night, after drinking some wine, he tells a gf of mine - who he has had a little bit of a history with - that he looks forward to their next romantic interlude and that it will be cosmic.
I know that everything about him changes when he drinks. I know that one night he could be in one mental place - and the next - a totally different one.
There isn't anything that is going to make this change. Even if he stopped drinking, he'd be having all kinds of mood swings I'm sure.
I know he's sick. I can see it when he starts drinking and a totally different bf shows up. He gets in a place where I can see his pain. I can feel it. He starts saying he doesn't deserve me. I can see him going into this place in his mind where the past is tormenting him. Then he'll snap out of it and go on to be the happy drunk and the life of the party.
This isn't going to change. But, I know that I hope it does. And, once again, I have this HOPE that he'll quit drinking and be the man I know he can be.
My last axbf was more intense and I had a hard time leaving the drama, but there was so much bad stuff that became what I used to get me through it.
Nothing here is that extreme. Which makes it harder for me to walk away. And, then I wonder am I here because my co-dependency feels so at home with him? Or, am I really sticking around for HIM?
Last thing...I started thinking what would I do with a guy that didn't drink to excess? Or, that didn't give me that pull in/push away, the dramatic changes in personality and the confusing messages? Would I be so bored out of my mind I wouldn't know what to do with myself? I'm guessing I am a chaos seeker. Because I have also been prone to having affairs. The rush of doing something you shouldn't.
Geez whiz.
