Thanks for all the encouragement guys!! I was worried that I would get some negative feedback, not sure if you guys would see or understand where I was coming from,....I should have known better
Lostmyway, Im not sure it was one book (as I have read many many of them) but Courage to Change has been my go to. I also felt not 100% comfortable at my alanon meetings. I went regularly for over a year and sat threw every meeting so resentful that I was there, I only shared briefly one time and cried through every single one. But I still believe they are helpful and we need them. It would be hell to go through what we go through if there were no Alanon or this forum for that matter. There is a great Alanon group on FB that is a private group and Im a member of that also.
It took 2 years of long suffering and putting myself through hell over and over again to get to this place and I don't by any means think Im there yet...but yes kval64...I think in the distance I can see that proverbial light!! thank you for that comment. I brought tears to my eyes.
I miss him. That man I married, who I had such hopes and dreams with. Excepting the situation meant I had to except it was over and I fought that tooth and nail. We had been through so much together in our almost 20 years why couldn't we make it through this?? well honestly we hadn't been through a lot TOGETHER, we suffered through it. Neither one of use deserves to spend out lives that way but there are time I wish we could go back to that fork in the road and just make a different choice......don't we all.
It still hurts and I will probably always have a place that will be him...you know that moment when you remember some feeling or what ever that is and you think oh yeah....there he is. but I am just tired of the anger and feeling like Im carrying this huge cross through my life.
I use to think "omg shut up" when people would talk about how freeing it is and how they felt this load lift....I wanted that so much and would beg God to give me that feeling...please show me how to let this go!!! No one can tell you how, it just happens when your ready I guess. It wasn't some lightning bolt or huge realization......it was very quite and kind of snuck up on me. And im smiling as I write this cus all the times I posted my crazy on here and you were all so patient with me and Dandylion you were always so understanding and caring. That's what allowed me to get to this point. The gentle support and the just knowing that you guys were there.
Thank you
tyou
I still have a LONG way to go...but my pack doesn't feel so heavy anymore.