For me the biggest breakthrough was realizing that if there wasn't something off in me, I wouldn't have willingly entered into and held on to a dysfunctional relationship for so long. It was the beginning of managing my ****. Dealing with *my* ****. Owning up to and taking care of *my* ****.
For a long time, I think dealing with his misery was a way of procrastinating on my own misery.
In hindsight, I began to see all of the unacceptable ways he behaved towards me, and all of the crazy behavior I had in the relationship, including controlling, yelling, manipulating, choosing helplessness and blindness over sight and empowerment. I was not able, however, to really take stock of my role until after he was out of the house. Even when I interact with him now, it can be difficult to stay detached and not villainize or romanticize him.