formyboys

I have been reading and posting on this board for quite awhile...taking in a lot from the really knowledgeable people on this forum, working on me and trying to learn from the situation that I have been in.

For a long time I was so wrapped up in my anger at my XRAH and how HE hurt ME that I was never able to own my part (and we always have a part) in the whole thing. I have been bitter and angry and carrying that around like a medal. Being the martyr was what I was modeled in my childhood. My mother can out martyr the best of them. Bless her for raising 6 kids alone after my dad left and was never heard from again when I was 2..but she wore that like a medal. Suffered in silence but made sure everyone knew it. And I learned well.....

When things did not go the way I wanted in my marriage I "suffered in silence" ...punished by not speaking to him or making it obvious I was not happy but not saying I was unhappy. I mean how many times did I have to suffer this crap from his alcoholism ??!! Poor me, look what a great wife I am and how horrible he is. Silence, slamming doors and turning my back were common in our home.

When he finally went into his program after I moved out, sure I agreed to work things out. He came over every night and we did the same thing we always did..the only way we knew to be around each other. We sat there night after night and didn't say a word to each other. Then he would get up and go back to our home and I would be relieved. ....and pissed!! again??!! hes going to sit there and not say anything after everything he has done??!! months of this....we just continued our same sick relationship just in separate houses. I loved him, I just didn't know any other way to communicate. and neither did he. No surprise that he turned to someone else and started another relationship to get what he needed. NOT OK, Im not saying that was ok at all but what did I expect? and then I had my "thing"...my thing I could hold over his head and say SEE??!! look what YOU did to ME!!

the last few months I have been looking at why I handle things the way I do, why I react to situations they way I do...and what my part was in all of this.

last week when we were going back and forth regarding finances and he was getting so ugly and making personal attacks...I finally just asked him, What did I do to make you so ugly to me? For you to have so much animosity towards me? I really wanted to know.....

And it just must have been the right time because instead of the usual attacks he was finally honest and said he thinks its because I waited to tell him how I really felt about him until it was to late. Hes referring to the fact that he couldn't get a reaction out of me until I found out about this other person. I don't know about his feelings or if he is looking for ego strokes or what and it didn't really matter ...I just finally said what I felt I needed to say for me. I told him I was sorry that anything I did hurt him, because I did do things that were hurtful. I didn't handle his getting sober in the best way..I just had had it and acted as if I really didn't care. Right before he got sober his best friend died...driving drunk. By that point we were so bad off and I was getting ready to leave and I was not there for him. He has always said that I bailed on him when he needed me. His drinking got worse and I just didn't have it in me to deal with it anymore. But I apologized for not being there when he needed me and that I hoped he could be happy and know that I never did anything to hurt him on purpose..that I was doing the best I could with what I had at the time.

I did it and didn't expect any "Im sorry to" in return...I did it for me to know that I have made my amends for my part and not carry that around with me anymore. The second I did it I felt a huge weight lift, exactly what all my Alanon people always would say in meetings when you let it go. I felt "happy" for the first time in a long time. He didn't respond and it didn't matter. I said what I needed to say and I didn't feel that we had to have a discussion about it. (That is a FIRST...trust me)

I think Ive finally started to dig my self out of all this anger and holding on to this hurt like its my life preserver. I have had my old energy back since...the past 2 days Ive been getting up and doing things that I have been just letting go and I feel ........better. I feel lighter.

this must be what letting go feels like......