Well thanks for the responses. Yes I wonder why he asks me what I think when he already had the bottle and made his mind up!! Hell yes I mind but I used to nag, scream, yell and do all sorts of codependent things I am not allowing myself to ever do again!
I get home and have to go get taxes done and asked if he wanted to go. He said no. And then while I am getting them done, I got an interesting text from him saying he's sorry I don't understand him but he's very overwhelmed and has no one to talk to. I simply texted back I am sorry he feels that he has no one to talk to. I love him and am always willing to listen but at this point all I can do is wait for him to decide he wants to talk. I also nicely said I also need someone to talk to and listen. His response was that trust has been broken. Insert explanation here so you know what that means: 15-16 years ago, we were young and his drinking was out of control. I did the only thing I could think of: called his parents and asked for help. And his brothers. Not out of spite, anger or anything else but I was scared. Well, he has never gotten over that. His problem, not mine. I believe had the roles been reverse he would have done the same thing. My response to his comment was along the lines of so you are holding something over my head from over 15 years ago and are unwilling to try again? Seems unfair to me that I will never be trusted again. And I left it at that. His response was I don't know. I have left it alone mainly as I am not starting something in front of my son.
As for my boundaries and what I will deal with I have thought about it. Basically, I am not ready to offer an ultimatum to him yet. I work full time and a part time job so I can more than support myself and son. However, boundaries I have already been using: won't buy for him, won't clean up any messes, am not hiding it from friends who may ask, am not sitting with him when he's using, don't get into verbal arguments, treat him as I always do when he doesn't use. Son not allowed to get in car with him but now, he hasn't been driving. If he does drive and is arrested, will not post bail. Will not lie to our son. That's a start oh and will do things planned with or without him.
Buying my time to speak but that's because he needs to not be drinking and our son needs to not be home. I do not want him here if it turns ugly and we fight.