so, I have been sober for a little over 5 weeks. I am off alcohol and klonapin (which I took for about 14 years (with a couple years off).
I feel lost. I am trying SO hard. But I literally feel like I am watching this person live. I feel disconnected from everything. Like literally as if I am watching my life happen. I am driving and I just start my OCD thinking of "how did I get here in Florida?" "why did I mess up all the great situations i had in the past?" "you are so fat and ugly and no man is going to ever love you again and YOU ruined every good relationship you ever had." My social / generalized anxiety is into overdrive. I literally walk through my day uneasy at the thought of walking to the restroom at work...or to my car at my apartment. I FORCE myself to do it. I FORCE myself to try to just live and be happy. But my mind is constantly gong. Constantly observing my every move. A constant negative. I feel so fat and useless. But I am FORCING myself to go to the gym and to not overeat. I feel old and ugly in the clothes that actually fit me (none of the cute clothes fit me anymore). I feel like I screwed up my entire life and have destroyed all the great friendships and relationships I have has in my life (and I HAVE had them...I just lost them all because of my behavior..lnot even all due to drinking).
I have a substance abuse therapist - he isn't all that great...but I am going. I am accountable. I am not sure about AA - my issues are way beyond alcohol. I mean if i can't walk down the hallway comfortably then I'm more concerned about that than drinking (I do not have a desire to drink...and i will not.
I went to a new psychiatrist who said I an now NOT bipolar..just "emotionally immature". Great. And will NOT give me klonapin or xanax because of my history with it.
so, what now? will this ever get better? I just want to feel peaceful. That's it. Just peaceful.
I just feel lost and empty today.
Sorry for the rambling post. I just walked in from work and started crying. Its a terrible feeling.
(btw, a coworker made a comment in reference to my weight today. I think it really made things worse._)
