blackandblue

I am going to preface my responses which may seem insensitive to the addict in your life. I am more sensitive to you and your needs as you are the one here seeking support for yourself, and not for your ABF. I really relate to what you are going through. I was in similar shoes. I have since ended my addictive relationship and am moving on. I no longer feel like I abandoned, neglected, and gave up on my AXBF. Nope, what I did do was abandon and neglect myself and my basic needs by putting his needs before mine. But I did not give up on me. I let go of him. Big difference.

I might say it differently than you "kicked him out." Maybe he got himself kicked out by lying and using illegal drugs in your home. By default, he is liable as an adult for his actions. Sometimes we think the situation is improving and usually it is that the addict gets better at making you believe it has improved and/or you are getting used to it from repeated trauma.

I can relate to that feeling as well. You abandoned the addiction yes, not him. He abandoned himself when he chose drugs. I hear you say what he needed, but what do you need?

It is difficult if not impossible to have intimacy, let alone a meaningful conversation with active addiction or early recovery. So he was honest about his actions and he should be. It is not honorable and praiseworthy to be honest. It is expected as a mature adult.

Oh my, you helped him deal with the dealer. Be careful as that is very dangerous territory. Please protect yourself. Again, try to be careful being proud of him for something he should be doing anyway. That does not sound like a relationship that stands on equal ground, yet more like a mothering or counseling role.

Yes active addicts lie, cover up lies, tell stories, make excuses and when found out, run from accountability to protect the addiction. That is something he will have to face on his own should he choose his recovery. It is why addiction is packaged with guilt and shame, of which only he can work through of his own volition with professional and/or spiritual help.

Getting information online is a good start and can be great resource, however, everything you read online is subject to interpretation, bias, and discrepancy. Professional help such as a therapist and support groups are highly recommended for the loved ones of addicts, not just addicts themselves. IMO, the best way to support and addict is to let go and take care of yourself. I am not sure that you will find one person that would encourage you to stay with an active addict- simply because it is dangerous to your health. If he loves you, he will do the right thing, and let you go. Good luck, keep coming back, and don't give up on you!