Hi Overmyhead and welcome to our the forum. I am so sorry you are dealing with this. Please know you are NOT a total failure and none of this is YOUR fault. You are also not a bad mother. Drugs change our loved ones (as you have witnessed) and when in full addict mode, they will do anything to hide it from us. I am worried especially though about his aggressiveness getting worse. This is not a good sign. I am worried this will escalate and yes I am worried about the children involved.
First off, do you have any family at all who could help you or you could go to if this situation needs to change immediately? Have you tried to talk with anyone regarding his drug use? Having children I know it may difficult to get out but have you tried attending any nar anon or al anon meetings? Sometimes you can find them online if you are not able to attend. These could help you immensely and also help you understand how addiction affects not only the addict but everyone around him and what you can do to help yourself. How about a counselor or therapist? I know some colleges have counselors and you might be able to find one there to speak with. I would urge you to find help as soon as possible in case your H becomes much worse which could very well happen.
My loved one is my son so my situation is different from yours and I am sure there will be others along shortly who are in the same boat as you who may be able to offer better advice.
Here we try to put the focus on ourselves and what we can do to make our own lives easier because of all the chaos the addicted loved one causes. We learn we cannot control what our addicted love one does no matter how hard we try. The only thing we can control is our own decisions and how we choose to deal with any issues arising from the addiction. So my advice would be first and foremost please do NOT drop your
own feelings to take care of his because honestly you cannot. Look at how you feel now! This will not change as long as he is in full mode addiction.You are running on empty and it will only get worse. Your focus right now needs to be on your children and what is best for you. Unless your H wants help and is willing to work hard to get recovery nothing will change.
Have you discussed his getting help or going to rehab? My son is similar to your H. He stays clean then slips, goes back to being clean then slips again. They have to work really hard at recovery which includes many meetings, possible rehab, therapy, etc. they cannot do it on their own. It is a horrible thing to deal with, especially the lying and deceit. It is not your job to help him get clean. He needs to make this decision on his own and really truly want to. We cannot make them do it (I wish we could!).
Please check out the stickies we have above in the forum. They are extremely helpful! I also suggest you read the book Codependent No More by Melanie Beattie. It has helped many of us here. I wish you the best and hope you keep coming back.
Hugs.