I don't think any of my friends are sympathetic or compassionate towards this situation. They all dislike him and not a single one of them understands why I keep doing this with him. I can't even understand it, so I guess I really don't expect them to understand something that I can't even understand. I won't even bring the topic of him up with them anymore. I can't blame them for just telling me to walk away and cut it off.
I tried to talk to my mom. My mom's been a full blown alcoholic since I can remember. Prescription drugs, illegal drugs at one point and just messy, but I figured if anyone should just listen and let me cry it out, it should be her. God knows I was there for that woman through hell and back, and back again, and again and again. Nope, I should have known better. She's just basically irritated and disgusted that I don't just cut my losses and walk away.
She said I'm too soft. She told me how I need to just cut people off when they no longer suit my needs and walk away. She's so good at that. So good in fact that she did it to me when I was 4 and again when I was 15. She just left me with my grandparents (and I wish she left me there permanently) when I was 4 and with my step-father at 15 so she could be with her alcoholic, abusive new boyfriend. She wouldn't even tell me where she was or how to reach her. I just came home from school to a house that was empty - she took everything. Every last thing she could take, she took. Dishes, utensils, TV's, furniture and even the phone off of the wall. I didn't hear from her for over 1 and 1/2 years.
She can't understand why I can't let go of people in my life and why I'm so desperate to fix everything for the people I care about? How the HELL can't she understand? Maybe because I had to accept every horrible, God awful, rotten thing she did to me my entire life and nothing was ever good enough for her? At least it wasn't good enough to keep her around for any length of time. Ugh, I'm so hurt and confused as to how she doesn't understand this. I wanted to scream at her that I'm like this because of HER, but I can't. I can't hurt her. I want to hurt her, I want to tell her I'm such a disaster because of her, but I just can't do it to her. I just want her to understand for once, or at least try. Just once, that's all. She's just so completely incapable of feeling anything for me. She had me very young and I think she holds a lot of contempt toward me because of that.
I've gone from searing pain to complete numbness. After my conversation with her (or, more like her expressing her disdain at my inability to just turn my feelings off like she can, it was never an actual conversation), I just feel numb. Nobody can shut my entire being down like she can. Numb feels much better than the pain though. And I feel pretty stupid - like she thinks I'm some kind of moron that can't control her emotions as well as my she can. Sometimes I wonder how I didn't end up an alcoholic or drug addicted. I really, really wonder. Why can't I be angry with her? Why is anger towards her so impossible for me to muster up? Am I angry inside and I just can't reach it? Any normal human being would be angry at her, no?
Funny how all of these thoughts, which should probably be feelings, are popping into my head when I feel completely numb to them. I see them, but between my ABF and my mom, I'm just so unfeeling right now. Like I literally feel nothing. Not sad, not angry, not hurt, no pain.... just beat down and a lot of nothingness.
I hope my poor therapist knows what kind of work lies ahead of her. The poor woman. She'll probably need therapy when she's done with me. :/