FlippedRHalo

He said those things, but I know he was drinking. And nothing so kind has been said since except "I meant everything I said. I'm not perfect, but I'm going to try to be the guy you deserve". He was home again drinking last night. Or he didn't and he's nasty because of it. I'm not quite sure which yet. He seems to be shut off again since last night. He gives it to me, yanks it away, gives it, yanks it away.

I want to believe those words, but I can't. I want to believe he meant what he said, but honestly, how do you say it with tears in your eyes and with such meaning 'at the time' and then go back to acting like this.

I feel like he's intentionally torturing me sometimes. I'm left completely tormented because those are the only words I wanted to hear and he gave them to me, but he gave them and then seems to be yanking them back again.

Maybe I'm paranoid, but sometimes I think he wants to see me broken. I'm barely keeping my head above water with work and things at home and I know I can't go on like this, but I don't know how to step off this damn merry-go-round either. It literally feels like I'm tearing apart inside, that is how much it hurts. I've managed to do nothing, all day, except cry my eyes out. I'm ok for a little bit and then just break down in tears again. It's those choke you, caught in your throat kind of sobs that make you know, just know that you're breaking into small pieces.

I've never felt such crushing pain. I just want it to stop and it won't. Together or not together, it isn't stopping.