Day 3. Self loathing.
Well I'm feeling okay today - physically. Cold sweats all night, but they were less than the night before, so that's a good thing.
Mentally I am feeling a little bit overwhelmed. I could compare it to "5 different radio stations being on in my head, all playing something different. None of it good." Just racing mind racing thoughts and tons of negative self talk.
Emotionally I am feeling - a little depressed I guess, but mostly just empty. My mind is racing and too busy for me to feel any emotions.
I guess I'm happy to be making an effort to stay sober again. Yesterday I was questioning whether or not I was really doing it for myself though. My partner basically threatened that if I don't stay sober for good - he's gone. And we just bought a home together, we have a puppy, all of our finances are intertwined, I do love him, he's a great guy, he treats me like gold, etc. etc…. but I know that if I'm only doing this for him it's not going to be lasting. I need to be doing it for me. I need to want it for myself. That much I know… but….
It's hard to want something for yourself when you genuinly feel like you deserve to die for the way you've been living and treating people your entire life. I'm not trying to be dramatic. I don’t think anybody else on SR should die for the things they've done in their alcoholism. I only feel that way about myself, and it's hard to change that feeling. When I think about the way I've been living for the majority of my life, the hurt and pain and confusion that I've caused my family and the people that care about me, I just feel like a waste of life.
One thing that brings me reassurance when I start thinking that way though… I think back to when I was a little kid. Before the drinking. When I was innocent. I was a daddy's girl, and I loved my family dearly. I liked to play the piano and I liked to learn and go to school. I was passionate about animals and I didn't like to see other kids get bullied.
I know that little girl isn't a bad person. I know that little girl is still inside of me somewhere. That's the person that god/the universe/whatever intended me to be - pure & good. Not this other thing I've become, full of hatred and rage and self pity and resentment.
Anyways. I am just hoping that through staying sober, working the steps and helping other people, I will start to care about myself again. I will start to feel like a decent human being again. I will start to want this for myself, again.
I'll take another 24 and pass it on. Xo.