Ugh, at your kids' ages this is such a hard thing. I *hate* the "I'm Joking" thing in a serious way.
I agree that it's passive aggressive & I've told RAH that it's a COP OUT to not having to think things through. That every time he resorts to that he is:
1.) taking the easy way out mentally &
2.) diluting his true humor so that when he IS funny, I don't even care **& that's a shame 'cuz he has a great sense of humor otherwise} &
3.) leaving me in a no-win situation of being the bad guy.... either I accept the dig as a "joke" which is not honoring myself or I stand up for myself & get ridiculed for how I "can't take a joke, geesh.... how uptight... let go, wouldya?" It's a no-win for me & an easy out for him at my expense... so
where's the joke exactly?
BUT - he didn't "hear" any of that in early recovery or even really during his 2-yrs of recovery with no program. Until he stripped down & got REAL about things he just wasn't ready to accept some truths.
IDK how I would handle it with a toddler. DD was older when we started really having problems & then when things got really bad she was big enough to ask questions & voice her opinions.... so I followed her lead a lot to figure out what she was struggling with, etc. I *think* that if the situation presented & I was present I would gently & calmly correct him ("No, mommy wouldn't be mad at Daddy. Daddy just wants you to shut the door honey.") But I wouldn't interfere in the exchange from another room having "eavesdropped", kwim?
Otherwise it's a lead by example moment, IMO. She'll see mommy isn't getting mad at daddy for these things, wth is daddy talking about? At her age she'll feel your energy & use that as a gauge for the tension in the air, so if you are acting hostile, etc., she'll know. If you stay calm she'll read your emotional grid as stable & go from there.
It's where that "putting on our own oxygen masks before helping others" thing comes into play. The healthier you get, the healthier you will respond & your kids will benefit as much from your actions as your words.
