Hi, flipped. I'm sorry you're in so much pain. It is very difficult to give up our alcoholics. I know, I'm right there with you. Mine just moved out. We are divorcing. And, yet, I find myself thinking 'what if he does x', 'what if I do y', etc, etc. I actually let him stay and watch a movie with us the other night which is stupid on so many levels... leaves dd14 with hope, leaves both boys with dread (both want their dad out of the house.) The thing is, I guess we are as addicted to our addicts as they are to their doc. When my sponsor said that, I thought 'NO WAY! I want my A out of my life. I'm ready for a new beginning.' And, yet, here I am with these stupid thoughts.
But, today is a new day and we can start over RIGHT NOW. Strengthen our resolve, seek encouragement and support from others, and work really hard on fixing the broken parts of us that allow us to stay in toxic relationships. How we go about that looks different for all of us, but for me, it means learning about alcoholism & codependency, reading/posting here at SR, attending alanon/working through the steps, and going to counseling, and paying close attention to my thoughts. We do have the power to change how we think. It takes work, but we can do it
Hugs, flipped. I know it's difficult.