Why did I do it?
I screwed up horribly. I'm a mess.
I let him come over. He said he just needed to apologize for all he's done and to be honest, I needed to, no, I WANTED to, hear him say he was sorry. I thought I would be strong enough not to go back and that at this point I could just listen and find the closure I was so desperately needing. Wrong. So, so wrong. And I'm lying... I knew I wasn't strong enough and yet I still let it happen. I wanted the pain to stop.
He said "we need to fix this baby, I am so sorry for everything I've done to you and we need to fix this"... he was so heartbroken too. And I caved. And I hate myself more than hate right now.
He said everything I ever wanted to hear from him - he's so sorry, he loves me, he's a better person when he's with me, I'm exactly what he needs, he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, let's get married, let's have a baby, marry me, I don't want to live without you. He begged me to never leave him again. It's all I've ever wanted to hear out of his mouth and yet, while I know that he meant it when he was saying it, I also know that it can never be that way. And to make matters worse, I also know, although he denies it, that he was drinking.
We can't have a baby. I would never bring a baby into this knowing what I do about the extent of his drinking. I WANT to believe that he'd stop if that were to happen, but he CAN'T stop. I want to believe that we'd have the best marriage in the world, but we wouldn't. It would be all of this, pain but worse.
What did I just do to myself? Why am I prolonging the agony which is him and I. We can't have a relationship. He's an alcoholic and a bad one at that. He said he'd never be perfect, but he was going to do everything he could to be the guy I deserved. I know better than to believe it, but yet, this pull inside of my destroyed heart begged me to believe him to relieve the pain that seems never ending. But, the pain is still there. And now it's worse because I know it's only a matter of time before I'm right back where I started. To be honest, I'm there now already because I know the train is coming down the track full speed and the collision will come at any minute.
That night and the next few day, he was great. Even the 2nd day. But, we're already heading back to where we were. Partly my fault because I'm an insecure, untrusting little girl that panics the moment I don't hear from him and start falling apart in my head. But, he's the same way. The difference is that when he does it, I comfort him and tell him he has nothing to worry about. When I do it, he tells me I need to calm down and I end up apologizing in the end. I always end up apologizing. Why do I apologize even when he's clearly wrong - and he lets me.
I know he can't stick to what he says. I know that he turns me into an insecure disaster of a person. I had an awful day at work yesterday and besides an 'everything will be ok', that was it. He went home, went into his room and drank. I know he did. I really needed his support and nope, none there.
I KNOW that I will NEVER have a happy, calm, trusting relationship with him - just fleeting moments of false security & fleeting moments of relief from the pain - and yet I went back again. I WANT a happy, calm, trusting relationship with him so badly. I can't stop loving him and I don't know why.
I want to crawl into a ball and cry. Forever. Why can I never get this right? Why can I not just walk away from the pain? Because if I walk away from this pain, I just walk myself into more pain. A different pain, an 'all alone' pain, but pain all the same. Stay or go, it hurts either way.
Why can't he just stop drinking and let us be happy? WHY? Why can't I walk away when I know he can't? I know this is all wrong, and I know I'm setting myself up for the fall again and yet, I didn't stop it. The pain and terror is all consuming right now.
I'm falling apart. Going back to him feels worse and now I don't know how to get back to where I just was. God, why? I just want someone to tell me how to stop and how to be ok because I'm not. I'm just so not ok.
Why couldn't I be stronger - I was better where I was. Not talking to him hurt so badly, but this fear and the anticipation of what's guaranteed to come was not worth going back. Only now do I realize how much better off I was and how much better I was doing when I was no contact with him. And now I have to go through the hell all over again.