So, here's where I'm at:
Facts: - My husband is a recovering alcoholic.
- He was raised in a home with an alcoholic dad and alcoholic siblings.
- His mom is a VERY emotionally controlling and emotionally abusive NPD.
- I was raised my an NPD mom and an absentee dad (although I don't have any unresolved issues from my dad. My mom made me go to therapy as a kid becasue she was so convinced that I had issues from my dad not being around. Nope. I have issues from her but she sat in on my all of my therapy so I never got to talk about her. Ironic, huh?)
Goal:
Awareness of both my own and RAH's issues so as to not pass them onto our kids.
Problem:
When RAH was here this weekend he was making a snack for our toddler and she was in the fridge (I was trying to be hands off but I was just in the next room breastfeeding our baby) and I overheard him tell her "close the fridge. Oh no, you can't be in there or Mommy will get mad at Daddy. You don't want Daddy to be in trouble do you? Close the fridge. Mommy will get very mad at Daddy if you don't close it."
If I were to have confronted him about this on the spot ("Hey…if you want her to close the fridge, just tell her to do that. You don't need to 1. Bring me into it AND 2. You don't need to convince her that I'm the bad guy. I'm the only one that disciplines her. She already knows that I'm bad cop. Thanks!") I likely would have received a "It was a joke. Wow. Lighten up! It was JUST a joke." response, which is his go-to response as well as his mothers. I've confronted him about the joke response because I've read it on TWO NPD websites now as a manipulative common response and he still says it without realizing what he's doing.
My problem is that he's doing this crap to our kids and although I KNOW I can't control how he interacts with them - even though that's my first impulse - I'm a little freaked out about counteracting it and I STILL really want to say something to him. Like if he's aware I think he'll be more conscientious of how he speaks to her in such a negative way.
This is a big curveball for me and it makes me feel kinda helpless and a little defeated.
I don't want my kids to pick up his unhealthy crap and he's not even aware that he's doing it. The day that one of my kids insults me and says it's a joke is the day that I lose my damn marbles and I feel like that's what he's positioning them to do. Although it's not intentional at this point, it IS what he's doing.
How do I prevent his crap from being picked up by our kids? Do I even have the power to do that?