Originally Posted by
Ofelie 
It feels wrong, so so wrong, to block them out, but its so so necessary. I am under the impression that mine is gone for good and won't be popping back up in my life, which brings a form of relief, and a bigger sense of heart tearing despair. No Contact, No Response, love yourself enough to protect yourself any way you can while you are so completely fragile.
Thank you for everything Ofelie. It has been a tough few days. Your thoughts on no contact really got through to me, and I wanted to thank you.
Yes, it is a weird simultaneous relief and heart tearing despair. That's exactly what it is. I showed my therapist the letter today. I told her it feels so dishonorable not to respond. Here is a person in pain saying she doesn't understand why I left, that she lost her best friend, and that now she's getting help. it's not that I have tons of hope for that, or I want to make another go of it. There's just no closure. My therapist asked me after reading the letter, "do you believe in exceptions?" I said yes of course. "Then this is an exception, this is extraordinary." She said she has a feeling nothing would ever be enough, no matter how I responded. When I was trying to navigate leaving that is also what was said on this forum. Honestly I'm eating for once and I no longer carry a packed bag in the trunk of my car in case the night turns ugly and I have to drive off into night, then the texts 'please come back', and I'd give in, turn around on the highway...yet we never really resolved anything. And the texts the next day 'i'm sorry for how i treated you. i'll get better'.
I guess one thing to notice is how this single missive, this single handwritten page, did to me. It destroyed me all over again. It was designed to make me feel terrible and to feel for her, because of course I do. I'm still working on feeling for myself.