Sorry to hear that Woodman. No kids here, so that makes it a little simpler.
Now, here is the latest from the weekend. As I mentioned, the AW and I had a conversation late last week, and I asked her what she wanted to do following her latest relapse. She stated her plan as going to her AA meetings and finding a new sponsor, that she already had someone in mind, and was going to make that happen over the weekend. Now normally, I am all about letting her do her own thing when it comes to her AA meetings and recovery program, but I asked her if it was ok for me to inquire how that was going, and she replied of course that was fine.
She came back from her meeting on Saturday morning, I was doing household chores that kept me busy most of the day. She, meanwhile, fell asleep in front of the TV (sigh). I ended up cooking dinner with her still sacked out. She woke up to eat, I asked how was her meeting? Fine. Did you get your new sponsor? Not yet, the woman she has in mind was not there today, and I going to another meeting tomorrow that I know she will be at. Ok, great. I met up with some friends over lunch on Sunday, got back to the house in the afternoon. We went through the day, evening fell, I asked casually how things went with finding her new sponsor. Turns out she "got busy in the kitchen" and "forgot all about it" and never even went to the meeting. Wow. Really?
Anyway, I did not react other than to say I was completely surprised that she could forget about this, and I am a little disappointed. She then went off to watch Downton Abbey - I noted she had no trouble whatsoever remembering what time the show was on.
Later in the evening, I told her we needed to talk. I told her I found her behavior baffling, that I could not make sense of what she was saying compared to what she was doing, and that I love her dearly and wish she could be sober, but her inability to stay that way, and inability to live up to her commitments in HER recovery plan were destroying the trust we have been trying to rebuild. The resulting sadness and depression are interfering with my ability to function normally, and I am weary of it. I told her that I am honoring my commitment to make no major decisions for the entire year after her rehab, but I need to take care of myself. I am moving into the guest room, and my plan is to move out for good in the summer. I said that was not set in stone, there is room to discuss details, but unless there is radical, fundamental change, that is what is going to happen. I will cooperate with anything she wants to do in terms of repairing and rebuilding the marriage and her sobriety, but I will no longer be offering ideas and will definitely not be trying to shepherd the process - if our marriage is to be saved, it is up to her, I have given all I have to give.
She was upset and reassured me over and over she did not want me to go to the guest room, let alone move out, that she desperately wanted to get sober and leave all of the insanity behind. I told her that I have given her ten years and countless opportunities to do exactly this, with what appears to my eye to be little progress, and I am exhausted and can no longer fool myself into thinking just one more chance will do the trick. I still love her very much and hope she can find sobriety, but can no longer continue the way we have been. She seemed shocked and very sad. I went off to the guest room feeling that I had finally achieved some measure of the "detachment with love" that I need to break what I have come to see as my own enabling pattern. I was relieved that I was able to express what I needed to express without anger, resentment, or rancor. It was difficult, but I know that it was definitely the right thing to do, and I feel much better for it.