A therapist told me a long time ago that we have a little filing cabinet of explanations for anxiety and depression filed away in our heads, and we pull our "favorite" files when we are feeling general anxiety or depression to serve as our explanation tapes. I have a few: my tense relationship with my mom, my tense relationship with my sister, my self-pitying monologue I imagine delivering to my STBXAH, and all the honesty bombs I want to drop on my STBXAH's parents. Occasionally I go back to the oldest tape, the "I'm a worthless loser and nobody loves me" tape, but that's a rare day anymore.
A couple of years ago, as part of my process here, I realized none of these things were ever going to actually happen, and that some of my anger towards these people wasn't always based in reality. It was just me talking to myself, pulling files. When I start to play these tapes now, I pull back and think, okay, what's going on in my life? Where am I imbalanced? I HALT, put the tapes and files away, and take stock of where I need to focus my self-care efforts.
It's not about them -- it's my anxiety and depression spinning into action. When I'm in the shower at 6:30AM telling someone off in my mind, they have nothing to do with whatever is going on with me -- it's all me and my crazy. Thank dog I have tools now to manage it.