I am going through the same thing. Its like a repeated recording in my mind, Why, why, why was I so stupid, why am I a doormat, why did I let him do that to me, why did he do that, why is he like that, why do I still love him, why did he just walk away, why doesn't the universe put him through hell as punishment, why doesn't he give a rat's ass about us, why can't he see he needs help, why can't I get him out of my head, why doesn't he love me, why can't I stop thinking, why can I not just shut the door on this mess and move on, why why why why why why???? I love him. I truly do. I love him, and planned to spend my life with him. He is an alcoholic and is obviously mentally ill and abusive, and I still love him but I CANNOT be with him anymore. I tried telling myself to just think of him like he had died. That didn't work. Can he actually care? He says he does, I am not convinced. I want him to have consequences. I want him to hurt like I have over this. I haven't figured it out either, I am stuck in the same spot as you are. Hurts like hell. I just keep repeating over and over to myself...I did the right thing. He was abusive, he did horrible things. I did the right thing. It DOES NOT feel like the right thing when I am missing him so badly. I know it is. But its sickeningly heartbreakingly painful. I am here right now, right here with you. BIG FAT HUGS to you.