I am no expert, but from what I understand it is the alcohol drug that is controlling you. Also the fear of never drinking again can be so scary that you just say, "hell with it". If you put a mouse in a cage and give him two buttons, one with a drug and the other food. Eventually it will only choose the drug. Not knowing that this is shrinking it's brain, destroying the central nervous system and I am sure you know the rest. Try not to beat yourself up, you are already on the right track just being here. Take Care!!