Good Morning Campers, I need a place to put down my thoughts and get some feedback. Any and all opinions welcome.
A little background, I left my AW almost 3 years ago. We are separated but not divorced. I have move a thousand miles away from her in that time and to be honest I am doing great and my recovery is strong, for the most part.
The first issue. I looked at us as 2 boats tied together by a bunch of ropes. So far I have cut all the ropes except for 1 little tiny rope. I think that one little tiny rope is the reason I haven't pulled the trigger on the divorce. I'm having a hard time with it because it feels to me that if I cut that rope I have to admit I wasn't able to save her. I know I can't save her, that's not the problem. I think at some deep level I am still dealing with guilt. Guilt that I couldn't save the marriage and guilt that I couldn't save her. I don't even notice it unless a spend time poking around in my head. Not too weird and I'm working my way through it. I just thought I would be beyond that by now. So, for the time being until I work this out I'll stick with when in doubt, don't. At least as it pertains to the divorce.
The weird issue is that I carry around an analog of her in my head. In the beginning of my separation I would have huge screaming fights with it/her in my head. Now, I just find myself talking to it, saying things I wish I could say to AW but know there is no way I could. I'm reaching the point where I know that I need to shut this analog off. I think it may have something to do with the guilt above. As long as I keep the analog turned on I have saved at least a little piece of her. Of course this isn't true but I am still clinging to it for some reason. To heal completely I have to let go. Not sure how I'll do this but if I come up with a way I'll be glad to share it. If anyone else has got past this I am open to advice.
For people who are early in their recovery don't let this scare you. My life is so much better that it was back then and 90 percent of the time I am solid, happy and serene in my recovery. Speaking from experience life gets so much better when you work your recovery.
Thanks for letting me share.
Edit: Perhaps I should pay attention to my own signature?
I do believe I am clinging to a bit of the past, or better yet, a fantasy of how the past should have been. Detachment begins when you give up the fantasy that you can have a happier past.
Your friend,