You're not alone. I have the most vivid dreams. I can't quite call them nightmares because they're usually about us being together and happy. When I wake up and realize it was only a dream, my heart breaks all over again. Not sure what's worse, that or nightmares.
Only you can tell yourself what you feel is the right choice to make about babysitting and staying there. Personally, I'd be sucked right back in without a doubt. There is no way I could see my AXBF right now and be ok - I'm not anywhere even close to strong enough for that. As a matter of fact, I've avoided every single place that we could possibly run into each other because I know that if we did, it would be all over and we'd be right back into the dysfunctional, abusive, traumatizing situation I just left.
I know you want to. I would want to, too. But please think long and hard before you do it. You know what it's going to lead to. If you're willing to accept that and want to prolong your agony a little longer, well, that's your choice. If you want things to change and you've had enough of the hurt and the problems that addiction causes in your life and relationship, you might not want to go there.
Wishing you the best in whatever you decide. I know how hard it is to walk away and stay away, trust me.
