As a kid, I grew up in an abusive household. As a defense mechanism, I felt that I had to know what my step-mothers "mood" was--because a bad mood for her meant a painful time for me. (Although in retrospect, I think her "moods" were far more impulsive than anything I could ever truly have anticipated).
I carried that into my marriage, I think. Fear of punishment turned into fear of rejection or fear of losing her love.
Somehow in Al-Anon I learned the skill of detachment. I'm far from perfect at it, but I truly can listen to my wife "being critical or grumpy without being affected." It took time and prayer and practice. Maybe the first step was realizing that her moods were "not about me."
It's pretty amazing how much a little "detachment" has given me a lot of serenity!