Originally Posted by
TonightTonight 
V-day never bothered me until a few years ago. It *is* a made up holiday. But so is Mother's Day, Father's Day, etc. Ugh.
This is true. But life is deeper than "every gift begins with Kay" jewelers.
Last Valentine's Day I tried to get my H to admit into inpatient rehab. It was a very draining experience that failed. But it was an experience that taught me how to extract myself from the process. The anniversary of this is hanging over both of us. Last night I finally said, "Just about anything could happen Friday and it would be better than last year." Just admitting we are both on edge about this date. It is raw. We are raw. Life with a RAH is uncertain. I do not like uncertainty. Learning to live one day at a time is painful for me. So Valentine's Day is somber because we are still learning to live with our truths.
Then Mother's Day was a bust in the traditional sense bc that was the weekend I went to inpatient family program. I was compelled to buy a book just before I left and as I read it on the plane it was a gem and spoke to my heart. I started to sob the book was so powerful. Thankfully it was a puddle jumper and I had some personal space and all kinds of prop noise to mask my emotions. I wrote a note right into it to remind myself what a gift I had been given and that my HP was hanging around if I would just be open to a more intuitive and less dogmatic Sense of God. The book was Daring Greatly by Brene Brown. I carried that book around like it was a ******** that entire family program. I spoke my truth at family program. RAH took the opportunity and started R.
There are gifts given but it could be just any day. My son calls me a BAMF (Bad A-- Mother F---er) after dealing with all of this and handling everything while H was out of the house. This marriage has hewn me into someone who knows how to deal with some serious ****. I signed off on a text to him the other day as your BAMF and he bragged on me to his friends. I was just confirming I would pick him up from an after school activity, but I have some serious cred with this almost teen ager for him to explain this to his friends and tell them yes my mom is a serious BAMF. It touched my heart. Best valentine ever!
But in all seriousness I need to learn to let go because I might be a BAMF but I am not a super hero.
So look for some gifts in your life. Some signs. Some reassurance.