Hi Damaged2,
Welcome! Take a deep breath and relax... it may feel overwhelming when the blinders start to come off but don't feel guilty... feel empowered. Knowledge is power and as time goes one you will begin to see "with a new pair of glasses".
We operate in the light we have and we cannot know what we simply do not know. As children of broken families... dysfunctional families if you will... our understanding of the world and relationships become like a broken mirror... it is distorted. We have been taught from a very early age to deny what doesn't fit the order we are supposed to accept as "real" and "right".
Finding yourself and learning how to view behaviors and events through an "unbroken mirror" and determining how to deal with unacceptable behaviors from a spouse ... well... it won't be easy. I won't lie to you about that... however... I can promise you that you go on this journey with friends (we are here for you) and if you seek out more support in alanon meetings and with a good therapist the rewards will be priceless.
Peace, happiness, tranquility and breaking the generational patterns of addictive and codependent behavior in your children's children children. Watching you kids learn what is healthy behaviors and what is unhealthy and what to expect from their own relationships in their future. You can teach them that as you go along in your own journey of discovery.
Yes my dear, you can be the catalyst to insure that your kids do not repeat the mistakes that we made as adults. I may still be really screwed up (lol) but my kids are rock solid and have it completely together! I got them in counseling at a very early age so they could deal with controlling mommy and addict daddy... and it worked!
I am an adult child of an alcoholic... an extremely abusive one at that. I married an addict (not at the time but he had all the red flags) but my kids will NEVER choose someone who has red flags sticking out all over them. They won't give a problem drinker or selfish person the time of day...both are in relationships with incredibly good people in every department. The generational curse will hopefully end with them (3 generations of alcoholism/codependency on both sides of their family).
Knowledge is power. Be empowered. Keep seeking truth and take care of you! Don't beat yourself up... please. Keep coming back ... you can be free and so can your kids no matter what the behaviors of the alcoholic parent.