Very few of us stay clean ALONE, and it doesn't make sense to take a gamble on whether or not you personally are one of those who can. Frankly, you don't sound to me like a good candidate for doing so, not a knock (I know I CANNOT), just an observation from 'being around' recovery for awhile now. Start hanging around with sober/clean people, people who are really 'working' recovering, and I promise you everything you fear will come back to you in time, if you just stay clean.
Hopefully you see somewhat what I'm on about when I speak of the need to alter your WAYS of THINKING in order to recover. You need to LEARN how to gain choices over your thoughts and their direction, otherwise, it's always going to be a struggle to stay clean.
Hang in there...it DOES get better, I promise.
TB