It's rare that someone maintains long term recovery (abstinence) the first time out. It happens, but it's rare. The nature of addiction is that our bodies and minds cry out to be medicated. We see no other way out.
Look at it this way: I've never seen Japan. I've seen pictures and met people who have been there. I have faith in my belief that Japan exists because there is evidence.
I ask you to have faith that you can do this today, because there is overwhelming evidence, right here at SR, that it happens.
It's just today, my dear. There is no future, there is no past....no day but today.
Hang in for now. As you add another day, you become the proof.
Be well,
Bear