Damaged, I think you do indeed have a lot of insight already. I am glad you already have a good therapist. Make the call, especially if it is on your mind.
Do you know what a fresnel lens is? They are beautiful old lighthouse lenses that magnify the light. Your H's alcoholism is just another prism of glass. A different magnification to look and reflect at your relationship and family life.
Have you pulled your teens aside to honestly discuss this? As my son got older I started to talk to him about alcoholism and genes. I had to tell him he might react to alcohol like my husband. We talked that for me caffeine is a much better stimulant if I want to stay up late and have energy. It might be a safer option. I told him about the three C's. I told him not to get on the car with my H if he had been drinking all evening. All of this seemed surreal to me.
I started to cry last year when I informed my H he was not welcome home and that I had just had the locks changed. My son told me I had done the right thing. He stepped up and kept an eye on me. It broke my heart to see him take on that role. I took him to counseling and I gently pushed AlaTeen. He did do counseling but refused AlaTeen. Thankfully the T asked My son what he was going to do if our A relapsed, he said I guess come back for more counseling.
So my kid knows how an active A behaves, he knows if you are having problems you can find a therapist, he knows depression and anxiety seem to run in my A's family, he knows meds can help with some of these issues. He knows there is inpatient and outpatient rehab. We have had to live on a budget. I've had to say no. We've discussed the cost of things. Those are probably all good things too in this economy and the austerity attitude that is rampant. I guess that is OK.
My RAH's recovery is at times rocky. We both try to detach and let this fellow putter himself to exhaustion. He has had a few altercations like he just has this ball of anger he has to throw off. At other times he is amazingly calm and his eyes are so clear. He gets hangry for sure. He is now working full time again and I see some old patterns coming back. But I see them. I am not taking the bait. I am in therapy. We are about ten months out. I don't know if we are going to make it. Alcohol might win this one. She held sway for 19 years of our marriage. She is clearly like a ghost whispering in his mind at times. He could choose her any day. That kind of uncertainty is really tough for me. Especially when you have lost the denial.
So today I am doing a long run. I've had some success focusing on me. Time will tell on some of these issues, but the when is really not in my control. Be patient with yourself as you are in a period of crisis and enlightenment.