Originally Posted by
LifeRecovery 
I have come to realize as painful as it was for me to have to look at, feel etc it has been the piece that has helped me to reach that new level of healing. It force my hands but I don't know if I would have gotten here on my own.
I don't like the lessons, but the learning has been incredible.
Very well-said. Thank you.
I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself at the moment. Asking why do I need to learn more lessons? Seems like I've been on that journey forever. Digging into the past, trying to figure out where things went wrong. Seeing myself and wondering how the h&ll I got here. Life just seems so incredibly hard. And I'm okay with hard but holy cow isn't there a limit to what someone can take on?
Mostly I'm terrified about the damage already done to our kids. They are 14 and 16. Are they doomed to repeat these patterns? I know you all will say that I didn't cause this and I don't have control over it but shouldn't I have some responsibility for the outcomes? And if I have responsibility, then shouldn't I have some control? I know I can't fix everything or keep my kids from feeling any pain (already failed miserably at that)...I just thought that I had made a life for my children that was better than the life I had. Well, they won't have my issues but it seems I've created some new ones.
I've seen myself as "successful" because I thought I broke the cycle of what my mother created and yet, here I am, just like her. So is my daughter doomed, too? No matter how much therapy you get and how many choices you make, are you just doomed to forever in history repeat the cycles of your ancestors?
Feeling very, very sorry for myself right now. It's 3 am, can't sleep, mind racing. Things seem very, very bleak at the moment.