"I guess the realization is why do I WANT to be able to drink every now and then? Why is it so important?"
heres something I read in a book:
Most of us have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.
there was a time, waaaay back some time ago, that I truly wanted to control my drinking.
I already had the symptoms of alcoholism, but was in denial about it. then I crossed the line into full blown alcoholism.I no longer cared if I controlled it and no longer had a choice. alcoholism controlled me.
then I got into recovery. the thoughts of "maybe im not an alcoholic. maybe I can control it" would come up. what a blessing to not have completely destroyed my memory! I was able to look back on my past and see what a lie that was!