The weather is sloppy and nasty here. Snow and freezing rain. I was clearing off my car and knocked off one of my windshield wipers. So I'm trying to snap it back on in the pouring freezing rain, my fingers numb, and everything coated with ice. Finally I said f-it and started to drive. Soaked head to toe. I had to stop at the post office and they were out of postcard stamps, which I need for a mailing today. It was irritating but I ended up getting some stamps that were slightly more expensive so I can get it done.
Initially at home I screamed some obscenities and cursed winter, but when I was in the parking lot at the post office I sat in my car and did some deep breathing. The rain let up so I worked on the wiper again and finally got it in. I was also fairly calm from doing the deep breathing. It helps.
Yesterday was kind of trying--crazy boss lady was on a roll. Last night I went to a heart of recovery Buddhist meditation meeting, and I know this is part of the reason I am handling things better. I am so grateful for the community I'm becoming a part of there. The subject of the meeting was how we often project and dislike traits in others that we don't really like about ourselves. I needed that. It helped me to see that being reactionary in my head is pretty much the same as her flipping out, only I'm internalizing it (which only harms me). I am making a conscious effort to take a breath and keep my mouth shut instead of engaging her in any way shape or form. We'll see how it goes.
The other thing is that yesterday when I got home from work I got a text from my BF saying he wouldn't be home in time for the Shambhala meeting because he was taking care of something important. My stomach dropped and all I could think is that he was drinking. Then I told myself it doesn't matter. Whether he's drinking or not I AM OKAY. I still felt slightly anxious but went to the meeting and put it out of my mind.
On the way home I still felt kinda sick, but resolved. When I got out of the car he was waiting for me outside. He said, "I can't lie to you anymore". I asked him if he had been drinking and he said, "No, I had to go to court today for something that happened back in August that I've kept from you."
He got a drunk and disorderly citation that carried a $1200.00 fine along with it. Yesterday when he went to court he brought all his information about rehab and the psych hospital he was in, and told the judge that he was 90 days sober yesterday and couldn't live the life he was living anymore. He said he didn't make excuses, just sincerely told them that he is getting his life together. Both the judge and the police officer told him that he better continue on the straight and narrow and that they didn't want to see him again. The case was dismissed. No fine, nothing.
I was surprised, but not all the shocked, and not angry at all. I was glad he told me and I believe he's sincere when he says he's tired of lying and hiding and that he truly wants to start living an honest life. I also admire him for handling this all on his own and not ignoring the problem, hoping it would just go away. He biked about 10 miles to the hilly suburbs to go to court and back. He's tough. He made it through by himself and that shows, to me, that he's finally tackling life in a realistic way. He was upset the rest of the night but in a good way, if you know what I mean.
I was surprised at myself for being calm and rational nd not becoming overly emotional or angry. Honestly I'm glad he didn't tell me (one less thing I would have been obsessively worrying about and trying to fix).
I know life's not perfect and we will both have our ups and downs, but I am so grateful that our relationship and both of us individually are on the right track. I'm learning not to be so hard on myself and appreciate all the I've accomplished in my life so far, and giving myself credit for the positive ways I've affected others.
Anyway, thank you so much for reading if you've made it this far. I wouldn't be in the place I am now without the words of wisdom and support I've received here.
Love you all!
