Hi Elisha -
Everyone has given such great advice. I see a lot of myself in you. I literally - LITERALLY - agonized for years about wanting to quit, but not doing it. I did quit a few times - once for 4 months, but I went back to it. And why? I don't think I was really, truly ready to quit. Instead, I wanted desperately to figure out a way to have my cake and eat it too. For a long time, I wanted to drink, and drink like a FISH, without any of the bad stuff happening afterwards.
Monday, I'd be repentant, then by Friday, it was all forgotten. Every single week. Then, I tried to moderate. If you want to torture yourself, just try that a few times...trying to limit intake, limit to a certain time of day - limit, limit, limit. I couldn't do it with any consistency (nor did I want to), and it made me downright angry besides.
So now, here I am again. This time, I think I really get it that I cannot drink period. It's off the table, period. And suddenly, I'm not angry anymore, but relieved. Relieved to stop the mental torture of being in limbo. Relieved not to be profoundly hungover. It's a relief.
The hardest thing for me was drawing the line in the sand - finally. Once I broke the cycle by stopping, after that last hangover/withdrawal things for me have improved every single day. I only wish I could've gotten to this point sooner. I can't tell you exactly what made it click finally for me, other than living through the toll that drinking takes on me repeatedly. I finally got so sick of the whole thing. Just sick to death of it.
We are here to support you. I wish you all the best - and you might want to see a doc in case you are at risk for severe withdrawal. They have meds they can give so you don't have to be in such agony physically and mentally.