You haven't accepted the direct connection between your alcohol consumption and the trainwreck it causes. The sun will come up tomorrow, and you will have bad things happen when you drink. Always. Guaranteed. Your life will change so much when you accept this.
There is another pillar that I used to provide a foundation for my sobriety. I deserve it. I deserve a life without the hangovers, sickness, depression, anxiety, guilt and shame that will ALWAYS come with drinking. I deserve a life without alcohol, and dammit, I will have it no matter what else happens.
You can do it too, Elisha. You will do it, I truly believe you will, and you will look back and wonder why you waited so long. Believe in yourself, and that you deserve a life without addiction. Onward!