Firesprite thanks again! Wow, you really have my brain spinning now! I wanted to write back to you right away, but with a house full of kids, it was impossible to sit down and write it all out. I appreciate your patience, sorry it took so long.
Why didn't I think of that? Hmm. That must be true , my husband is able to think logically, but that certainly does not take away all his pent-up feelings and emotions. Lets face it this man has been deeply hurt! For some unknown reason does not come out and say it, but it doesn't mean it isn't there.
I think, like I mentioned to BC I will have to set-up more time for "just the two of us" a time when he can get comfortable and be able to express himself. I will try to make it "his safe time and place" where he knows he can speak freely and that I will listen and understand. Because, I know my husband will not seek therapy. He has had a few sessions at my IOP, but he was mostly doing it for me. He probably has some old-fashioned idea about only weak or crazy people needing therapy. Well, he's also hesitant to spend any money on himself. You have no idea what I go through getting him to buy himself anything especially clothes. He'll, spend everything he has on me or the kids but not on himself.....except books or art supplies.
Your post was not confusing at all. In fact, it was very easy to understand and explained the commonalities as well as the differences between your childhood experiences and my daughter's. You are right that your age, age between you and your sister as well as addiction being a part of your family dynamic from the time you were born played a large part in how you were effected. Not only that but the fact that your father died shortly thereafter cementing your role.
It makes sense that your role carried you through to adulthood. It must have been extremely hard to separate your love for your sister with the belief that you were totally responsible for her and that her problems were yours to fix. I can relate to you as a mother of my own children and my need to make it all better. It's like their good and bad behaviors are a reflection of me and my parenting skills. Since you truly were as you said "your sister's keeper" whatever mess she made in her adult life, you felt it was yours to clean-up.
Makes perfect sense and so very sad that you really couldn't focus on your own life because you were so tuned in to your sister's. I can see where it inhibited your own growth as well as being able to develop your own identity. I mean, how could you envision your own dreams and aspirations if you were so enmeshed in that of your sister's?
I can see where that would create so many conflicts between the two of you. Your sister probably leaned on you for so much, that she never learned how to live her own life. Probably why she kept making the same mistakes over and over again....and never learned from them.
You are right about the resentment your sister may have had for you too. The fact that she was only 3 years older than you, but had to listen and obey. I can see your point as well, that you would be punished if she didn't do something right, so you really had no choice but to make her do it right or do it yourself!
I do know that it helps that my daughter was 17/ 18 when my addiction began. She was for the most part grown-up. The thing is my daughter was not a very mature 17 year old so I know it wasn't easy and not something she was used to doing. In fact, she was the "baby" of the family until she was 12 and her brother was born. She didn't grow-up with kids....so she learned pretty fast. She was also very close to me and probably felt a profound loss of her mother when I became so fixated on the drugs. But I do think it was much harder for you.
I guess my biggest fear is that she is kind of stuck in her growth. I guess what I mean is that she's 23 and she has never dated. Does not have much interest in dating or thinking about her future....having her own family some day. She does think about her career though and is almost ready to graduate. She rarely goes out except to class and once in while to hang out with friends. Go to the mall or a movie....sometimes lunch or dinner. Maybe someone's birthday party. Otherwise she is very happy to stay in the house and play with her brother and sister. Do you think that's odd? Am I making this into something it's not?
Thank you for the book recommendation! I'm going to read it....perhaps my daughter would like to also.
Congrats on your own recovery! It looks like you've come along way....I'm sure it hasn't been easy either. It's so hard to change old patterns. I'm sure you met with huge resistance from your Mom and sister.
Thank you so much for explaining that to me!