My Life Is Better...
Since around the time I first posted on this forum my life has improved notably. After finally admitting to myself that my behaviour and habits were out of control, I could finally begin to fix my life. I didn't realize what a massively negative effect drinking & drugs and the accompanying chaos had had on me. Not just physically, but mentally and emotionally - I was mentally worn out, depressed and drained of all enjoyment. My life had ceased to matter to me and I didn't recognize the person I was becoming. The people I had surrounded myself with were toxic and dysfunctional. This had happened because I myself had become toxic and dysfunctional. I didn't feel fit to be in the company of 'decent people'. I'd become what people refer to as one of the 'dregs of society' (I hate that phrase, but it unfortunately exists). To fix myself I had to change and leave people behind and close some doors permanently.Slowly but surely I have done it. I think today is the first day I've realized how much! My confidence has improved, I'm in a steady relationship for the first time in my life, I have interests that don't revolve around substance and alcohol abuse, we've moved house and set up somewhere that is entirely our own. I have created a whole new life out of the ashes of the old one. All I need to do now is find some steady work, keep sober (the hard part) and things will hopefully continue to get better.
The reasons I began to drink and use in my early teens are gone. I'm no longer awkward, no longer cripplingly shy, no longer haunted by demons from family tragedy...but I've been drinking and using as though they were still here,even though they'd snuck out,closed the door quietly behind them and left me with the bottle. I nearly wrecked my life to fix my life, now that seems so stupid.
This improvement is in part due to support from this forum, and the constant posts - positive and negative - that remind me of how my life has been, could be again and hopefully will be if I stay on the right track. This is not over by any means and I know I'll be knocked off the horse and have to get back on many times, but that's life. It'll be a long road...