MG
I can totally relate to that. I can't even begin to tell you how many times I mentally prepared for my son's funeral--it was unbearable. I planned everything. The music. Who would be there. What he would wear. Everything. Quite masochistic. Through my process......I finally realized that I had to let go of my fear......not let go of my son. It was fear that I was holding on to and it was such a destructive force for me. I feared his death......just like you said.
I don't like to think of the death of any of the people I love.....but the reality is....any of them could die......be it in a car accident......or just being in the wrong place at the wrong time....or fall out of the sky like my father did.....there is absolutely no "good" way to lose someone we love. Once I came to accept that my son will die.....be it from drugs or anything else someday......just like the other people I love, I somehow found peace.
I don't believe we have to let go of the people we love--detach with love absolutely. Maybe......like me......you can let go of the fear. It does help. I will hold my son close in my heart.....in active addiction or not.....forever. But I can't handle holding on to the fear. I replaced fear.....with faith.
gentle hugs
ke