The other shoe dropped
After 5 years of sobriety my husband started drinking again. I knew from the first drink and I should have trusted my gut instinct but after 5 years I had began to trust him. I am having a pity party for myself right now I know that but I am just so angry. after 27 years together (23 married), you'd think or at least I thought I could trust him again. And I'll be honest I didn't trust him 100% and I knew that relapse was possible but lying. That is my biggest issue. Lying, thinking that the ticks and tells of drink where not there. I asked the night he had his first drink not because I could smell it (thank you neat vodka) but I could see it in his eyes, the facial ticks the change in the colour of his skin. And I had had no cause or gut instinct to ask in over 4 years. I am a forgiving person and I am willing to support but when he lies it kills my heart. And of course he did all the usual blaming everyone else and projecting his guilt onto our family. Alcohol destroyed his first marriage and family I don't want it to destroy this one but I am so angry. I think I need to vent, I need to remind myself I am not a complete nutter, I do know my husband and I know myself. I found this site because I was searching for somewhere I could vent and there were others who understood exactly what I am going through. I have read some of the posts and realized there are others out there feeling what I feel and dealing with the disappointment. It's been about 6 weeks of drinking and almost 48 hours sober for him. I discovered a water bottle with vodka in it by accident. I want to be there for him but I am so angry. I will not enable him. I don't want to go back to our life before rehab. I want to forgive him but above all I want to trust him. Trust comes with time and action.
Just typing this vent and getting it out of my head has helped. I know the next step is to move forward. He is back at AA meetings and thank god for recovering alcoholics who will support him and tell him what is what. Thank you for reading this post and giving support. I know I need to let my anger go, I am trying. Being here, venting and reading other posts reminds me I am not alone. Others do understand.