Hi Confession,
I like the subject of your post. I used to wish I was a Catholic person and could go to confession with a priest. I never understood why the Catholics I know (and I am married to one) always seemed to want to avoid going to confession. I would LOVE to be able to get stuff off my chest. I would go all the time! But alas, I am not Catholic and can't go to confession and get absolution.
Anyway, I related to pretty much everything you wrote (except I am female and I gain weight when I don't drink because I eat so much then!). I also went to different liquor stores, acted totally normal when out in public at dinner, didn't drink much or at all, etc.
All I can say is for me I really don't think I could ever become a moderate drinker. I think in my case I am an alcoholic and I have to just flat old NOT drink. But I can't think long term because that just upsets me and I get anxious about not being able to drink in the future. And I hate anxiety.
Only you know you. I am glad you are here. Keep posting. And, maybe we should all confess something!