a thought that came up for me in reading your post;
do you really need the "old Autan back"???
Or are you prepared to welcome The New Autan into your life?
I can relate to some of the feelings you're describing. I think we have to go through a process of unbecoming to become again. And that can be scary and confusing but I believe that out the other side of it, with patience and faith, the New Us we are becoming will be an Us we love more than ever before.
Have a read of this article on life changes.... I think it applies to what we go through in sobriety.
Strategies to Deal With Every Phase of Major Life Changes - Oprah.com