Originally Posted by
Gal220 
But like I said before, those obsessive, daily, attacking thoughts of drinking only subsided when I quit drinking. It's sort of a paradox. If drinking is still an option for me in the back of my mind somewhere, if I still feel like it's ok to drink if . . . ., or like Threshold said, if I want to still be able to get wasted sometimes, then I'm going to obsess about drinking.
This is expressed perfectly. My latest attempts to moderate included not drinking until a certain time of the day. Well, let me tell you, no one watched the clock more than I did in anticipation of the witching hour. And no one was crabbier that everyone else had already been drinking all day except for me. I felt like a child being punished, and I was NOT happy about it. It was honestly torture.
Now, that I've taken drinking completely off the table as an option, the crabbiness just stopped. I'm not watching the clock, there are no "decisions" to make on the fly - "Do I drink now, sneak one? How about NOW? Are others watching me? Do I seem drunk already?" My favorite was waiting until a certain time to drink, then guzzling so fast, I put myself in a blackout in about 2 hours. On beer, for god's sake.
But - the other major breakthrough I've had, that makes me feel like it's easier this time, is that I'm truly grateful to be waking up without a hangover. Without the shame and regret and the constant mental back and forth of trying to have my cake (be sober when I want) and eating it too (getting hammered when I want). The mental gymnastics were exhausting, honestly. The whole thing was exhausting, and I feel grateful now, that I am finally getting some peace, and rest. I only wish I would've had this epiphany years and years ago. Being drunk isn't the reward...being sober is.