I was where you are one year ago, and I had 20,000$ debt in my name and a 18 month old baby. I was fed up with my ah. I seeked help and I made the decision to leave him. I was scared but today when I look back it was the best choice I ever made. Me too I want to stay home with my daughter, I babysit as a job which allows me to stay home, it is not much but for the first time in my life I am happy and at peace and I have serenity and this is the greatest gift of all. One day I will get a good job when I daughter is older and in school. I too could of given her more "material" things with my ah around but I always had material things growing up in an alcoholic environment and I know that I would of prefered my mother to be there for me to love, comfort when there was so much pain caused by alcoholism. so I think about that and today there is no fighting, drinking, argueing in my home. It is peaceful. I would rather be single and healthy than be married to an alcoholic and sick. I keep on my fridge this writing and I read it daily and it makes me stronger:
What addicts do:
My name is _____ and I am an addict and this is what addicts do. You cannot and will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you any better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about is my needs and how to go about fullfilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say i love you I am lying through my teeth because love is impossible for someone who is in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, since I don't I cannot love you. My feelings are so pushed down and numbered by my drugs that I could be considered a sociopath. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you , cheat on you, and steal from you. My behavior will not change and cannot change until I make a decision to stop drinking and the follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decision I will continue to hurt you again and again. Stop being surprised I am an addict and this is what addicts do!
This is my situation and all I could tell you is to reach out for help and read all you can about co-dependency, alcoholism before you make a decision to stay or not. For me the more I learnt about how affected I was the stronger it made me and the more I wanted to have a peaceful life. Being a single mom is hard sometimes and although me and my ah are apart I still have todeal with him for visitation and he misses due to drinking the night before and he spends the child support money and he still tries to control things, so I am still affected this is why I need alanon and I still continue to read about alcoholism. I wish you all the luck in what ever choice you make.