You can tell him, if you want. I told my AH (actually, me & the counselor told him.) The counselor recommended AA. That was the point my AH gave up on our marriage. I didn't realize it at the time, but that's exactly what he did. It was also the point that I realized that he wasn't going to change because he did not think it was a problem (or that he was a problem.) His choice was his addiction, my choice was our children and my sanity. He's moving out in a couple weeks and we're working on our divorce settlement. I'm working on me. I won't lie, divorcing after 25 years together is very painful. I'm grieving. But, it's the right thing for my family.
If our circumstances were different and I was in a position to wait, I probably would have given myself time to really work on my own recovery before making a decision or pushing him to choose. Unfortunately, I did not have the luxury of time and waiting was not a viable option for me.
One of our al-anon meetings earlier this month was on confusion. The consensus of the group was that if you're really feeling confused, you're probably not ready to make the choice/change. I'm not sure if that's always applicable because I admit that I still feel confused over the divorce. I'm thinking maybe it's true if there's not a pressing reason why the choice/change has to happen
now (ie no abuse or major thing looming over your head requiring you to make the choice.)
I don't know if that helps or just confuses you more, giliji. Huge hugs to you. Be gentle on yourself. Take it one day at a time, and keep going to al-anon
You'll know when the timing is right.