Originally Posted by
serious 
i've been trying to figure out what would cause me to behave this way well knowing the end result?
i had no unfortunate events or any major triggers... i felt great.
The Big Book of AA explains that baffling behavior this way:
The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so called will power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink.