Filling up with hate
I'm jusy so angry!!! I'm angry all the time! I hate him for being an irresponsible @$$HOLE. I hate him for being so god@mn selfish. I hate him for my feeling so indentured to him. I hate that as much as I hate him, I still love him, and I hate him for that. I hate myself for being so weak and not leaving. I'm so unhappy, and now I've brought a child into this world and compounded everything. I love her so much! More than I thought was humanly possible. But look at what I have given her to deal with. A sad, pathetic excuse for a father. And a mother who has become so dependent on him, I'm terrified to leave. Here with him, I can give her the best that money can buy. I can stay at home with her and watch her grow up. If I leave, I become another one of the single mothers who never sees her kid, because she has to work three jobs just to keep a roof over her head and pay for child care. And if he wasn't a bloody, selfish idiot who can't clean himself for his own daughter, our life could be so good. So happy...so impossible...