still holding on
Hi everyone
My ex and I broke up a few months ago now. We'd been living together, had moved in quite quickly, and then I realized how serious his weed use was, like smoking/using around 3 times a day. This obviously had a lot of side effects in all areas of his life and in our relationship. We broke up at the end of the summer after I'd had an abortion because I just couldn't figure out how I could have a baby with someone with such a dependency issue and with such huge debt and money problems. I couldn't see my way through it. He abandoned me immediately before the abortion, although he came back and then left again a few times before we finally broke up. I ended up moving away for a while to try and get myself free of all of this, but had to come back due to work and visa issues. He contacted me a couple of times while I was away, the first time to tell me that he still loved me, and that's when I really confronted him about the fact that I thought he had a huge dependency. Following that, he publicly (facebook, stupid facebook!!) and openly celebrated his single life. And then, weeks later, he emailed me again to tell me that he had been sober for a week, wanted to get back together, still loved me. I couldn't accept it, it didn't compute for me - so much emotional abuse, and disrespect, and yet he loves me "so much"? What is this even about? As soon as I questioned him on any facts or questioned his feelings, he became very angry and just mean. There has been some back and forth via email and I just don't know what to think. It's like I'm still heartbroken and devastated by the loss of this partner...but then who am I really mourning? Honestly. Because I'm really not sure anymore, it's like I don't trust my own feelings anymore. I get sucked into this crazy emotional spirals where I'm crying uncontrollably and missing him and so, SO close to reaching out and calling him or emailing him and saying Let's try again, but to be honest, depending on his mood, I'd maybe have to BEG to try again. So what am I even thinking?? It's so confusing. THanks for reading, I know I've posted about the same issue a few times in the last few months...I'm really stuck in this one. I really, really loved him and when we were together, before things got so complicated and angry after the abortion, I wanted to stick it out with him. I wanted that. He was my favourite person in the world, you know? Thanks again for reading.