Last Friday, after coming home from a particularly light-hearted AA meeting – one that allowed nothing that could feed my “soap opera” (and one of the things that I need to be vigilant about is not turning new-found sobriety into a new soap opera/melodrama) – anyway, I had what I’ll call an “Aha!” moment.
The thought just came into my mind, apropos of nothing in particular at the moment: “Well, now you don’t have to drink anymore.” Just like that. I played it over in my head, with all the possible inflections on those word: “I
don’t have to drink!” “I don’t
have to drink!” “I don’t have to
drink!”
It’s like, think of a chore or job that you really don’t enjoy, that you really dislike having to do, and someone says: “Well, now you don’t
have to do that.” Oh. What a
relief – and you feel yourself relaxing. It feels like that. Even though I really, really enjoyed drinking, it now feels like it would be
such a
bother – and a burden - to “have to” take a drink!
And although I called it an “Aha” moment, it now feels like something that Threshold said on another thread: it has become “drained of drama”. I really thank her for that phrase. And now, I need to just maintain awareness, so that I don’t let my ego-monkey-mind turn it into a (melo)drama. But, right now, it’s just a relief. And I’m not going to try to
do anything with that – just let it be, and maybe it will “make a home” in my mind.
I said “apropos of nothing”, but I think, subconsciously, it might have had to do with my working through the 1st Step – and that, too, became “drained of drama”.
Today, I’ve come down with a cold, but – at least I don’t have to drink! Seems weird, but there it is.
I don’t know if that’s helpful to anyone else, or not . . .