So, as of yesterday, I had decided to do my recovery locally--versus the 90 day rehab. The reasons were all financial--I didn't want to lose my apartment, my car, etc. It had nothing to do with not wanting to recover. But if I went there to the rehab and short-term disability was rejected, I would love everything. and if it was accepted, the loss of income (it is only 65% of what I earn) was such that I still could lose both my apartment and my car. I just foresaw myself living on the streets. As it is my finances are such that I am half a step away from it. BUT I am not there yet.
That all said, I feel like I made the right decision. I went to my first AA meeting today. I was approached by a woman who would like to be my sponsor. I have names and numbers. This will be the first day in I don't know how long (yes, even after posting on this site), that I will have remained sober. It has been hard. But not too hard. I don't feel sick. I don't feel like I am going to die. My mind does wander to the thoughts of drinking here and there. But I feel good about this. Like once this 24 hour period is over, I can believe in myself again that I can remain sober for a day. and just go from there.
I think if I keep busy--walking the dog--going to the gym--cleaning--reading--calling a friend. anything. posting here (I love SR btw), I will be ok. and if I can make it 21 days, it becomes a habit, right? then the hard work of remaining sober will still be hard work but it will be routine hard work....and I will probably not even notice, right?
All the stories in the meeting today of peoples lives when they were drinking --and reading stories on SR--and my own life--it just baffles my mind that the universe would put drugs and alcohol here. I mean, it is "just" a beverage or what have you-- but it quite literally destroys lives. ends friendships. makes people do things they would never in a million years do if they were sober. severs family ties. creates poverty. alcohol (and other substances, but this one I know more of), is literally the worst thing I can think of. I guess any addiction (gambling, food, sex, etc) can destroy lives. but this kind of creeps up and you look up and everything you had is all upended and wrong. nothing makes sense. and it takes time to even realize what happened.
ugh.
I'm done ranting. but really, alcohol is terrible stuff. seriously bad. (I know I am not telling anyone here anything they don't know, but I;ve just been thinking this all day and I had to get it out there!)
Thanks everyone.
here's to the next 3 or 4 hours...and I am all set for today. >)
