Originally Posted by
2bhappier 
Very interesting to see what I wrote in my first post. Thank you, doggonecarl. And, thanks everyone. I know I have a problem and I know it will escalate if I don't stop. And yet I still do it. Have you all been able to be sober right away when you decided you need to be? Am I being too easy on myself?
.......and yet i still did it.yup, me too.
i decided to be sober many many times, and then went back to drinking just as many times except once (the last time). went back to drinking without a clear decision to do so. went back to drinking telling myself i was freely choosing and ignoring the fact i had freely chosen earlier in the day NOT to drink ever again. heck, had chosen not to drink that day again and yet went and did it anyway.
took me years to understand in my entire being that those two supposedly free choices to drink or not to drink were not the same kind of choice whatsoever.
took me a couple of years of being sober to get to seeing that yeah, i'm powerless over alcohol. seems it was something i had to "allow" myself to really know. it's a most unpleasant knowledge.
yet, with even the first inkling of it, the drinking stopped.
figuring this stuff out for yourself is a process; if you don't hide from really looking/seeing, you'll find out what's true for you.