Stung, I appreciate your comments, and feel like I understand them. I have also lived a very success-driven life. For me success as a child and young adult equated to validation (I'm not saying that was your case, but just sharing my own reasons/need for success). Success validated my sense of worth because I had an alcoholic father who abandoned us when I was very young. It was a sub-conscious thing, but nonetheless, it was how I found my sense of self-worth. And it worked beautifully, right up until the point when I became married. Because in a marriage, you enter a partnership. And even if you have realistic expectations of that partner, you ultimately have no control over that partner, especially if the partner happens to have a relationship with alcohol or drugs or some other addiction.
When my marriage to my xah failed, I was crushed. Success-driven me? Failure? I was absolutely not used to failure of any kind, had never experienced it, especially not on that level. I had always been able to control my 'happiness' based on my 'successes'. It was hard to know that outsiders were judging my failed marriage, judging me after he left us for a young girl, etc. How could I have failed something so monumental when I was known as the success-driven young woman with the seemingly happy marriage and life?
I understand your defensiveness. I have been there. Accepting that things are less-than-perfect is humbling, hard for someone who is not used to failure.
I think that what people are attempting to convey is not that expectations are wrong. But that expectations of others (i.e. alcoholic husband) are dangerous. Expectations of ourselves are healthy and necessary. We can't control others. Only ourselves.
The beauty of Al-Anon (I know you're opposed, but I'm throwing this out there anyway) is that it is a program of personal growth. It actually has very little to do with the A's in our lives, but everything to do with growing a happy life, regardless of others' choices. I still rely on the fundamentals of Al-Anon even though I have no A in my life right now. So while your husband works his program, you may actually benefit him and your hope for a happy, healthy future together by working your own program of health and happiness.
Hope is not a dirty word. Hope is a beautiful thing. Expectations are not wrong, just often misplaced. We all hope for you, Stung. I personally don't believe that a happy, healthy future with your alcoholic husband is unlikely. I'm cheering for you. I am a strong believer in marriage and family values. But what I cheer for more than anything is that you find a happy, peaceful future for you and your children regardless of the recovery choices your husband makes. We really do care for you here.