She can repeat it or not and what I really want, what makes amends to me is that she isn't repeating those things and she is staying well and getting better every day.
Yes, I agree. The biggest testament of his wrongdoings and the greatest show of apology would be to do a complete 180 and be the person that he and I want him to be, the person that I deserve and married. However, (and this is going to sound competitive but I really don't mean it to be) I think my husband probably was more hurtful to me than Poh was to you simply because the timing of my husband's alcoholism was really, really poor. I do need some kind of sincere acceptance (maybe apology is the wrong word?) of his actions and the effect that his actions had on our family. The more grandiose, the better…because that's how I roll.
It was suggested to me here that we find ways to feel we have reached a point of closure or resolution or forgiveness on our own, and not continuously turn to the person that hurts us to be the one that heals us.
I agree with this too. I'm not looking to feel better about myself or heal myself. I already feel really good about myself and I feel like my husband hit the jackpot big time when I agreed to marry him. I'm optimistic that things will improve because I can will them to be better because I'm a tenacious mofo. What is the Abraham Lincoln quote that is always floating around here? Today will only be as good as I determine it to be? If I look at my obstacles KNOWING that I'm going to hurdle them it is much more likely that I will do so. If I look at my obstacles and determine that I'll never surpass them, then I'm already defeated before I've cross the start line. His recovery isn't my problem, it's his. I've got that down pat. The fact still remains that I will have to have a relationship with this dude for at least the next 17 1/2 years because we have babies together. The happiest road is the one that I want to take, that also happens to be the road with the greatest amount of difficulty and work…for BOTH of us. AH repeats ad nauseam that he wants to "spend the rest of his life" showing me he's a good man and he's starting to put his money where his mouth is. I'm future tripping to the good part.
With RAH I got a lot of emply apologies in the early days of recovery - by empty I mean that while I believe he was being sincere, I don't think you can apologize for what you don't fully understand without it coming off hollow. While I understand that it isn't about MY expectations of what his amends should be, his understanding mattered to me in the capacity of being able to move forward as a couple. If we were splitting I think I would have a different thought process about it, but I found that until he started to understand my real damage he always minimized it's impact & seemed to assume that I was dramatizing things to punish him. Um, no. That's how it really WAS, not just my spin on things.
BINGO!! That's exactly what I wanted to say but you actually did a good job of articulating it. Thank you!! I want a big heartfelt, sincere, genuine, "I now understand the full impact of my actions" apology because that to me will go hand in hand with what Poh said. That he can even MAKE an apology like that will mean that he's well on his way to being the person that I can accept because it will mean that he's accepted the weight of his actions not to the degree that he feels sorry for the impact that his actions have had on him, but because he's emotionally healthy enough to understand the impact that his actions have had on our family. That, in my opinion, is very worthy of a good apology.